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‘MONEY CAN’T ‘MICROWAVE’ SUCCESS’

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With a face like thunder, frothing in the mouth, Victor ‘Maradona’ Gamedze looks at me in the eye with his nostrils flaring like an enraged steed and bellowed: “What’s happening with my team, Mbabane Swallows, mkhulu?”

I stood transfixed like a deer infront of the headlights of an oncoming truck. “Mkhulu, you know the whole world has been hit by a virus aptly named COVID-19 by scientists. Knowing you, you probably would have gone to China to try and get the vaccination first as soon as it is available, roll it up and sell to government at a good price,” I crowed. He looked at me in complete awe that I was deliberately not answering the question.

I continued, nonetheless: “This virus abruptly usurps all our loved ones like an unsuspecting quarry being snatched by a wily predator. Mkhulu, the lockdown period felt as though the world had given birth to a strange alien baby and everyone was sent home to nurse it. It was like an egregious conflation of circumstances giving birth to a microscope virus covered in spikes. This virus has become all our responsibility. We may not have chosen to go on maternity leave to take care of it, but we have been charged with raising it,” VG retorted: “Mkhulu, please answer the question ungangitjeli ngalabo COVID-19 bakho. Tell me about my favourite child, Mbabane Swallows. I am worried mkhulu,” I cleared my throat. “Mkhulu, your team is now run by an archbishop, the founder of All Nations Church, Bheki Lukhele.

He was unveiled on Thursday, August 22, 2019 at Happy Valley Hotel after taking over from your wife, Princess Lungile, who must have wondered how you managed to run such an expensive club and didn’t understand how a club can spend so much money on ‘service providers’ yet the players are being paid competitive salaries on time to deliver good results,”
VG let out a protracted whistle before saying... ‘‘Jerr, you want to tell me my club is run by an archbishop? Yemkhulu, are you being serious. Manje le-team sekwaba ma-Zai-Zai, not Swai-swai? Is that what you want to tell me today, mkhulu?”

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