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‘SHINY’ BUFFS STEAL THE SHOW

25/05/2019 11:03:00 BY GERTRUDE SIGUDLA

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Exit Shwashwaza Sports Crew, enter Sisi Gert, Gert, Sisi Gertrude Sigudla, simomondiya sase-Bhawini, li-yellow bone lase-roundini.
Wuwi konakala ... asivele siyishiye lapho atsatse over kwatise kutsi tsine vele sesijake to bring our fire to-House On Fire Festival. Nazo Sisi Gertrude ...

(Guest writer)
I need no introduction mine, labafana be-Shwashwaza bayangiphaphela nje and besides mine when I get invited it is not just any event sengisho lama-prize presentation lentiwa emva kwendlu or kuma boardroom it has to be Thee event. It has to be glitz and glamour. So when uMlangeni (Gee ... naye asekaye ejimini bo ... lesisu lesingaka ngatsi umitsi ema-triplets) called me this week to give me the invitation card I was besides myself with joy because I know Sincephetelo Motor Vehicle Accident Fund (SMVAF) doesn’t play games – benta ema-events lamakhulu. Abenti nje tincephetelo.

So I didn’t give it a second thought when the invitation card landed on my desk in my new place of employment at the Hilton Garden. So off I went to the event wearing my body hugging beautiful dress that showed all my eye-watering curves and knee-length bottle green boot (oh, yes winter is here, so why not?) and before I went to the event I had light supper because having attended big events like bo-Garden Party I know kutsi such events start way later than the stipulated time.

I had to go to my humble place of abode le-Beverly Hills, take a shower then drive down in my Range Rover Envogue baby blue in colour. I arrived at the Mavuso Trade Centre at around 8:30pm but was shocked to my wits that the event that had been pencilled for 6pm had not begun. Not quite shocked per se but nje how everybody was seated, looking bored and all. I managed to find a seat next to the stage and just behind the table used by popular DJ Mbo. Yena solo asasihhuli lesilevu noma sebatsi tinema virus letilevu leti. Gagagaga.

Anyway I was busy on my phone ku-Instagram and WhatsApp because lentfo yetibhaca nemgubho really doesn’t do it for me. It doesn’t tickle my fancy. When I walked in, I saw some familiar faces on the tables, Members of Parliament, Ministers, football officials and a table of the media where already lokwe-starter besekuvele kuphelile. Kodvwa what did the Minister Madze Bulunga infamously said about sports journalists and food, getting Umlangeni hot under the collar? Hehehe. Let’s not go down that route again.

Kodvwa ke I looked around and saw kutsi most people don’t understand kutsi what is a starter ... besebadla ngatsi kutsiwe ngeke kube khona lokunye kantsi hhayi Ingwenyama iphekile bekunene. I no longer mind missing out phela on my favourites soapies, Generations, Uzalo, The River and The Queen ngoba I have this concomitant ability to own a PVR. Ku-standard nje. So I didn’t mind waiting for another two hours before the King majestically walked in. Before the King arrived phela my favourite Inkhosikati, Make Lambikiza had walked in, dressed in her Manzini Wanderers best – in a maroon dress and she looked elegant – as always. When the King majestically took his seat wavele wacala ke umsebenti ...

KING SET THE TONE
WITH HILARIOUS JOKES

Cha ke I wasn’t ready for this. I love my King and I know he has grown in stature over the years especially his speeches but on Wednesday night he was in his element. I laughed hysterically ngasitwa kutsi the wine bottle specially reserved for me by Makhoselangeni Magongo waka-MVA had warmed me up the entire night. “Kona kuyintfo lenhle kutsi letimbongi tibe nemcinswane nanato ngoba nasihambe lemaveni labakuhamba bayamangala kutsi lolokhuluma yedvwa sonani ... bacabanga kutsi atikapheleli lanhloko. Sebatawati ke nyalo kutsi kungimhambo wetfu live,” the Lion roared to huge laughter inside the auditorium.

The King also related how in one of the trips overseas, the airhostess was serving food inside the aircraft and the imbongi was singing the King’s praises and she ended up not serving him food thinking he was a mad cap.

The King had to explain to the airhostess that the man was not mad. I laughed so loud one of the smartly dressed man seated in my table started getting ideas kutsi kumbe I am interested in him. Awu xem ... akabancesi ngadliswa mine leka-Sigudla and I am taken besides. I have not forgotten phela that two years ago at Royal Swazi at the same event, the King joked that he hopes the cattle owners will remove the cows from the highway because “bengingasati kutsi noma letinkhomo si-racer nato yini laku-Highway,” Gagagaga.

The King made my night. Bayethe Wena Waphakathi!

THE DRESS CODE:

If they had been ‘Fashion Police’ at Mavuso Trade Centre on Wednesday, the motley group of Young Buffaloes players would have been arrested on sight. Wearing some shiny suits that differed from one to another labakafika kuma-ankles especially to the ‘man of the night’ Sandile Gamedze, whose bell-bottom trouser for a moment I thought he was wearing some Kaizer Chiefs socks which undermined his entire dress effort. Cha baganga ngalabadlali bebantfu! I know kona local soccer players are not gifted in the good-looks department but at least they must be presentable ke. Lama-shiny suits which would have been mistaken for some brand new corrugated tiles from afar was a bad choice.

If only bebaya ku-wedding. At the very least someone should have taken the measurements first instead kubahhahleka ngemasudu laveta emasokisi lagcina ngenhla kwesihlakala. Next time stick to the team tracksuits with the same sneakers at least. Lebhendi yemashayina bebangiyo nje was disappointing. At least they enjoyed themselves with the wines on the table such that whosoever took the decision that some of them should not go to the stage to receive the trophy from the King made the wisest decision ever. Bekutaba lihlazo Gazi. One nje, a senior player, was so mother-lessly drunk he looked like he would mug the ladies in the next table.

THE FOOD:

The food was scrumptious even though the tired lettuce leaves posing as a salad didn’t tickle my fancy. I am glad my light supper at the Hilton Garden was scrumptious enough. The food was delicious.

WINE GETS THE BETTER
OF WHISTLEMEN:

My roving photographer from the state got me some nice pictures of two prominent referees in deep slumber after emptying two bottles of wine. I heard that they were seated at the same table with Umlangeni who declined to confirm or deny this. But ke pictures don’t lie. The other senior referee nje seemed to have retired literally after leli-wine litsatse indzawo yalo. I am glad he won’t be officiating games anymore. Akachubeke neli-wine lakhe shem ...

‘BARCA’ OF THE PRINT
MEDIA SWEEPS THE BOARDS

Even though not presented on the night, I saw the list of the winners and was overjoyed to see that the ‘Barcelona of the Print Media’ ngisho yona i-Times of Swaziland Sports Desk – as always – swept the boards kule-Print Media category of the Ingwenyama Cup. I saw Umlangeni in dark blue Polo suite looking like he had just swallowed a cow chatting endlessly with Matsapha United director Scorpion Nxumalo and he won the ‘Best Sports Editor’ award for the third time in a row while the Weekend Sports Editor Ashmond Nzima won the ‘Best Reporter’ award for the second time in three years.

Then the Times of Swaziland took home the ‘Best Print Media’ award. Ngivile ngandlebenye kutsi umlangeni is organising a joint celebration party with one of the drop-dead gorgeous ladies of a reputable bank and a tournament sponsor ... all I am saying kutsi ngicela le-invitation card on my desk before Wednesday. This time ngiyongena nge-Vosho kule-party angidlali nani. Hahahahaha. It was past 2am when I arrived at my place of abode where I slept like a baby in the arms of my loving husband Babe Sigudla after a special night. MVA please do it again next year!