MARRY SOMEONE WHO SPEAKS YOUR LANGUAGE

The pending question about divorce is quite fascinating, especially in a world that is constantly pulling at the tags of gender wars and finding one reason or the other of how men are incompetent or how women are incompetent in their roles. So then it hit me, that perhaps this is not entirely a gender problem but a people problem.

That, although gender factors exist and come into play, they are not entirely the star of the show because love is also patient and kind. A person’s inability to generally see outside of their needs and understand a person, to not only look for the things we like in people, but to also understand people outside of us and what they wish for themselves and their expectations for themselves from life and from their spouses.

Qualities

It is important that above the qualities and characteristics that are a basis of forming a relationship and determining compatibility and all these natural elements, we often look at in the modern world. As a young person reflecting on marriage outside of its experience, I have learnt or rather drawn a few conclusions, some interesting and some like clocking into a window of a person’s deepest secrets and both are fair. I am conscious of the narrative that marriages fail because women are not what the women that existed before are liked, and well and over, these women cannot exist for men that no longer exist.

The idea that patriarchy can live on only in the aspects that benefit the modern man is ludicrous, for the traditional wife to exist by principal, the traditional man must exist without modernising their philosophy. It is for this reason that I do not dwell on gender and feminism as the biggest contributors of divorce today, in fact I believe it has more to do with wanting different things and not realising it because you do not speak the same language.

Anguage

Now my theory has come down to language as the lacking ground in marriage, which often leads to divorce. This language problem is usually because of the assumption that love is enough to marry and that love conquers all and in an ideal world as Corinthians has established, this would work perfectly. Unfortunately, we are in an imperfect world that already denotes so many differences between people when we meet. The partner you meet is a stranger coming from a different family, raised with different values, coming from a completely different walk of life from you and you are most likely going to marry this person on the character traits that have made you fall in love with them.

This does not erase the reality of the fact that you are still different people, each holding to their own thinking and desires, and often this is disregarded and that is the problem.
The way that people interact and form relationships is because of the things that they have identified and liked about each other, however these very things are not the things that will sustain the relationship. What makes you fall in love and probably choose to get married is not the same thing that will sustain the relationship and many marriages begin on the assumption that the qualities that built the love are what will sustain it as well.

Unfortunately, this is not true because before the commitment of marriage the qualities are spontaneous, as opposed to when you start living with an individual and you have to make room for more than the qualities that attracted you to them. What am I saying? You must marry someone that speaks your language in order to sustain the relationship. Sustainability in any relationship is built through trust and understanding and both these things can be accomplished only when you speak the same language.

Understanding

The common ground for love and any relationship I believe is language, and not language in its literal sense but language as a ground for understanding. Before the compatibility and all the things, you look at to determine whether spending the rest of your life with someone is worth it, you must speak the same language with that person. This is the language of intimacy and growth. Understanding the next person’s language means being able to anticipate their needs and loving them at a frequency that ensures they are emotionally and mentally healthy outside of any expectations your may have in the marriage.  Once you fail to speak the same language, you stop aligning with what they need to be in tune with their purpose and often times creating room for dissatisfaction in the marriage.

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