ACTING SWEETIE PIE

There comes a time, in every man’s life, when he has to face the reality of spending cold winter nights alone.
There are various reasons for this.

The wife could either be on study leave for three years in the United Kingdom or attending a two-week course in Benoni, South Africa.
She could also have just stormed out of the house because the man received a WhatsApp message from an unknown woman whose picture intimidates the lady of the house so much that she feels she cannot compete.
These things happen.

We have seen them happening to people we know by first name. Some of them are our friends. We went to high school with some of them.
As you read this, some men are struggling to get up and out of bed to make their own breakfast.

They are used to being spoiled and pampered by the women who just left – for whatever reason.
The man will only be able to get out of his two-room flat once the sun starts filtering into the half-open windows of his flat. Only then, will he call up his friends and ask them to meet him at the corner butchery.
That is how many men wind up roasting meat on Saturday, between 9am and noon. They just cannot bring themselves to making breakfast at home. They would rather be caught dead than beating eggs, chopping onions, frying fish and tearing lettuce leaves one by one.

They do not even know where the toaster is ‘hidden’ in the house.
If you did not know, now you know.
What I learnt the other day was that, to circumvent this, many local men find what South Africans call ‘Inyatsi.’
Swazis refer to them as ‘Makhwapheni’ (Under the armpit) 

Concerned

This is most probably because they are kept away from the prying eyes of the neighbours. It is almost always the neighbours one should be concerned about.
They are more dangerous than your wife or steady girlfriend.

Sometimes, like Reverend Maculuve’s wife, she will understand that a man ‘makes mistakes’ but the neighbours and their poisonous tongues will demand more in terms of an explanation.
Granted, they will not ask you directly but they will ask around until the question reaches your ears. So, there you are.

I have been told that these days, the women who feature just because the ‘permanent and pensionable’ lady of the house is away or gone forever (as kwaito man Zola would sing), are called acting Sweetie Pies.
They do the washing, cook, clean the house and maybe take care of a few little ones (if the man has them) on an acting basis.
They know they do not belong there, even though they usually wish they did.

These are not usually new women, in the true sense of the word. They have been there before. In fact, each time there is a vacancy or absence in the house, the duties are outsourced to them.
As a result, they know the man’s house like the backs of their beautiful, piano-finger hands.
A friend of a friend who has one of these acting sweethearts tells anybody who has time to listen how he loves his ‘reserve player.’
“There is only one problem,’ he offers.

“She does not know much in terms of general knowledge.”
Just the other day, there was talk around town and on the internet, about the Nigerian female singer who came out to say she was sick and tired of the antics of Boko Haram.
The musician, known as Adokiye Kyrian, is apparently big in Nigeria.

She came out publicly to offer herself to the terrorists who kidnapped over 200 girls in April and have still not made any mention of sending them back home.

Kidnapped

Adokiye says she is a virgin but is willing to take (if you know what I mean) 10 or more of these men each night.
All she wants is for the secondary school girls kidnapped from their boarding school somewhere in the north African country to be released.
The singer was basically offering herself in exchange for the 200-plus young women. She is probably worth it but as we know, there is a popular saying to the effect that, ‘to all virgins, thanks for nothing.’
Imagine if Adokiye was not a virgin.

Anyway, reading this story in the Times of Swaziland, while relaxing in bed with his acting wife, our mutual friend muttered something inaudible.
The woman next to him got curious and wondered what was tickling him.

He explained because showing the story to her would have been an exercise in futility. Surprisingly, she had heard a lot about Boko Haram.
“Well, what this guy Boko is doing is just not on,” she responded.

“If I could, I would go up to him and say, `Mr Haram, don’t you think you have done enough damage? What do you have to lose if you release the girls?”
But seriously…aren’t we all supposed to know already, that Boko Haram (which stands for western education is bad) is a group of terrorists – not just one man?
Soon, people will demand to speak directly to Mr AGOA himself.

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