PLACES WHERE EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIRS BEGIN

Madam,

We’ve been working with couples, both married and unmarried, for the last 13 years. Of the many challenges couples face, and despite the unspeakable devastation it leaves with at least one partner, sexual infidelity still easily ranks in the top four. It easily competes with marriage or relationship boredom, lack of communication, abuse – physical, emotional and financial – as well as addiction, whether smartphone or social media and substance addictions. While adultery causes lots of divorces, it is usually not the primary reason a marriage fails. But a failed marriage leads to cheating, ie. cheating is a symptom of the disease in many cases, not the disease itself. On the other hand, many partners that cheat aren’t necessarily frustrated about anything in their marriages or relationships. To them, infidelity is not necessarily a sign of something missing in the marriage.

Many people who have affairs aren’t chronic philanderers. Most are actually happy in their marriages, and wouldn’t trade their partners for anyone. However, their biggest challenge is to manage the paradox of our human need for security ie. stability, reliability and predictability versus our other human needs for adventure ie. curiosity, mystery and excitement of risky behaviour. Cheating is not the fault of the partner who’s cheated on, nor is it necessarily a sign of something wrong in the marriage per se. People do cheat on partners they deeply love, have no problem with, and that they aren’t willing to lose. They also pay more attention to what they believe they’re missing out on, rather than being fully invested in what they actually have. That being said, when you think of a cheating partner, you may picture a bar or a nightclub. But that’s actually not one of the top places people meet their affair partners. Instead, they usually begin in much more wholesome environments.

Work

We spend most of our awake hours at work. We look fresh, dress nicely and are on our ‘good behaviour’ since work is a contained environment. The shared creative energy, goals and passion about projects – including mutual annoyance with the boss or co-worker – leaves people more receptive than usual to somebody’s interest or admiration.

Gym

You already have endorphins rushing and a lot of attention paid to your body at the gym. Furthermore, you are half-naked most of the time with your body shape on full-display. There’s a whole element of physical attraction, availability and accessibility. Gym is the easiest place to flirt without trying too hard.

Social media

Social media is often a fake representation of the ‘top five per cent’ of life. People usually do not post about their problem children, depression, medication, porn addiction or overbearing mother. They post carefully selected pictures, while on a vacation or when their kids are doing fun stuff in their sports uniforms. Social media represents a false or at least a misrepresented reality. In addition, people tend to reconnect with old flames via social media. It’s easy for them to reminisce about the ‘good old days’ when they were younger and not bogged down by so many responsibilities. And old flames and crushes can kick-start fantasies about ‘what if’ lives. It doesn’t take much to take things to the next level.

Shared passion

Bonding over shared commitment to a common cause, and seeing a person being selfless can quickly stir up the ingredients for an affair. Wherever possible, we always encourage couples to join forces as partners in sharing this type of commitment.

At church

Church can create a false sense of intimacy between members, or between a leader and a member. People often open up about their emotional needs and marriage problems, looking for comfort, not realising that others may take advantage of that vulnerability or else develop feelings for that person. There’s a deep sense of attraction when two people open themselves up spiritually. In addition, a person who appears as spiritually wise can be quite attractive. Their sense of optimism, hope and clarity of direction and thought are all incredible sparks to the ingredients of romantic attraction.
Phindi

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