THERE’S STRENGTH IN LEAVING

Sir, 

We all know at least one couple in which the man, or as it turns out to be mostly women, live through abuse. Everyone may keep asking why they can’t leave the abusive situation, and sometimes they do but within a short time they’d be back again. I know many people who are in such a situation, and despite that their friends and relatives advise them to escape the abuse, they keep going back to the abuser. 

Abuse is not a onetime event, but it is a cycle that forces the abused to stay and endure the assault, or the insults because they know that after each fight, there will be the honeymoon phase.  The cycle will keep repeating until the conflict is stopped, or until the abused completely abandons the relationships. 

Stress

Stress and feelings of inadequacy stem from the pressures of daily life, like conflict over children, misunderstandings, or other family conflicts. They also stem as a result of illness, financial problems, unemployment or catastrophic events. During this period, the abuser feels ignored, threatened, annoyed or wronged. The feeling lasts on average several minutes to hours, it may last as much as several months. In a bid to prevent violence, the victim may try to reduce the tension by becoming compliant and nurturing. 

Dominate

During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate the partner with the use of domestic violence. This is usually characterised by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents which may be preceded by verbal abuse and include psychological abuse. In intimate partner violence, children are negatively affected by having witnessed the violence and the partner’s relationship degrades as well. The release of energy reduces the tension, and the abuser may feel or express that the victim ‘had it coming’ to them.

But at a certain point, the perpetrator may begin to feel remorse, guilty, or fear that their partner will leave or call the police. During this phase, the relationship is relatively calm and back to normal. This is the same stage in which anything that happens can trigger violence, anger and feelings of inadequacy that can lead to the beginning of the abuse all over again.

When an abused person has not seen this cycle yet, walking away from the relationship may be hard. There is no reason why any relationship should end up with one partner dying or badly injured. People who love each other always protect each other, even from each other. And when that love is gone, strength is in leaving and not holding on.

Nomsa 

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