NO ONE IS OWED LOVE OR SEX

Sir,

Everybody has probably had their fair share of complaints from guys who have been ‘friend-zoned’. The urban dictionary defines the friend-zone as ‘a state of being, where a male inadvertently becomes a platonic friend of an attractive female who he was trying to initiate a romantic relationship with’.

Girls find themselves having to say, I love you, but I don’t want to ruin a great friendship by dating you; to which the guy responds, why the f*ck did I spend two months on you? Chris Rock once said; “One cool thing about women is that they get to have platonic friends. He’s my pal, my bud, he’s my platonic friend. I love him like a brother. Men don’t have platonic friends. We just have women we haven’t slept with yet.” 

Observation

From intense observation, one can conclude that, actually, there is no such thing as a friend-zone. No one friend-zones anyone, the world doesn’t owe you anything for being nice, and certainly not girls. People are made friends for being friendly. You do not have to reward good behaviour with sex. These men end up feeling like victims of women’s irrationality or cruelty, in that women say they want ‘nice guys’ but in fact preferring to have relationships with ‘jerks’, with the would-be suitor considering themselves to be in the friend-zone.

Express

Some aspects of the nice guy include; romantically and sexually fixating on one person before they express any mutual interest in you, which is simply a relationship mistake to which many people are prone to. 

Nice guys seem to regard a man’s relationship with a woman as successful or valuable only if it is romantic or sexual in nature, therefore friendship is a failure. Nice guys may view a relationship with a woman as the only source of happiness in their lives.

Because of different socialisation of men and women,  women are culturally trained to be gentle with men when rejecting them sexually, thus you’d be a great boyfriend for someone else and ‘you’re like a brother to me’ may be signals that a woman knows of the attraction and is trying to gently let the man down and encourage him to find other people he is attracted to, rather than callous obliviousness. Some men continue to think of themselves as nice guys even as they spend their time using misogynistic slurs to describe their best friends. Some consider themselves heroes for not raping or hitting women. 

And some do not see themselves as guilty of sexual assault because they were very gentle with their non-consensual groping and they equate sexual assault as only being violent and forceful. This friend-zone myth can probably disappear if everyone just realized that no one is owed love or sex, not for being nice, not for doing good, not for any other reason.

Loneliness 

Loneliness and unfulfilled desires are tragic and painful, but consent is the only ethical relationship underpinning and that requiring mutual consent for relationships and for sex will mean that some people do not get their romantic or sexual desires fulfilled at any given time, or maybe even ever.

There are obviously very few ways for women to win in society when it comes to our sexual behaviour, and this friend-zone thing is making it worse. The concept of the friend-zone is actually depressing if you sit down to think about it, which I hope you will after reading this.

Nomsa

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