‘PUPIL STABBED 31 TIMES’

Sir,

Allow me to express my deepest pain on the recent brutal killing of a pupil by a man who later hung himself. 

What is sad about such cases is the silence of the country’s authorities because these are human beings dying and it seems to be getting out of hand. 

The best form of comfort we can get as citizens of this kingdom from our leaders, is to hear them recognising intimate partner violence as a major problem in the country that needs urgent action. 

While women are more likely to experience domestic violence, men account for a limited number of the victims of reported intimate partner violence cases. 

However, in the many cases in which men become violent towards women, it is valuable to examine certain societal attitudes toward men that are destructive and can increase instances of violence. While many advances have been made towards creating equality between the sexes, we still live in a patriarchal society. 

Expectations

The expectations that men should be strong and more powerful than women can be very destructive to a man at risk of becoming violent. 

The shame triggered by the idea that they are appearing weak or unmanly can trigger some men to become enraged or to act on violent impulses. 

It is very unfortunate that no matter how wise or educated a man can be, most of us are still trapped in what is called the ‘man box’. 

This box is so powerful that even in the absence of other men, you still want to do things that a majority of men believe in, no matter how dangerous or negative those things are, instead of what you believe in as an individual.

Both men and women who engage in domestic violence are very often acting on their ‘inner voice’. This ‘voice’ is a destructive thought process in which people are telling themselves negative things about themselves and their partners. 

The more a person listens to these thoughts, the more they feed feelings of being wronged and of needing to retaliate, sometimes escalating to a point of becoming violent. 

Another factor that has destroyed a lot of people in relationships is the harmful illusion of connection between a couple; some psychologists call it a fantasy bond. 

This dynamic feeds into a sense that the other person can make you whole and they are responsible for your happiness. This is a dangerous belief system that can create an abusive environment. We are all capable of being who we want to be in our relationships. Help should be availed to both survivors and perpetrators of abuse. 

Let us look at programmes that have worked in other countries to help rehabilitate men who’ve been violent by helping them get to know their real self and enabling them to feel compassion and forgiveness for themselves and others. They will gain a sense of self as separate individuals, thus cultivating self-esteem, responsibility and empathy. 

Strategies

They will learn effective strategies for recognising when they get triggered and for not going down the destructive cycle toward violence; steering away from listening to their dangerous critical inner voice and, instead, staying in the point of view of their real self. 

Many people who commit abuse were either abused themselves as children or witnessed abuse between family members. 

To break this cycle and to reduce the cases of domestic violence in the generations to come, we have to implement programmes that are effective and help violent perpetrators get the knowledge and help they need. 

Makama 

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