LET’S HAVE A WARM CUP OF TEA!

Sir,

The other week, I was having a conversation about consent with a couple of my friends, and the male friend really worried me. It occurred to me just how much we still need to discuss the concept of consent when it comes to sexual intercourse.

The reason we still keep reading about women being raped, day in and day out in the media, is because people still fail to grasp the simple concept of consent. People need to fathom that sex is not a right; you do not ‘earn’ it even if you are in a relationship with the said person. This isn’t too hard to understand. So, to explain what consent is, I am going to use someone’s simple metaphor – The cup of tea.

Imagine you’re making someone a cup of tea; you say, “Hey, would you like a cup of tea?” and they go, “OMG, yes! I would love a cup of tea, thank you!” Then you know they want a cup of tea. But if instead they um and ahh and say, “I’m not really sure…” then you can make them a cup of tea or not, but be aware that they might not drink it, and if they don’t drink it, then - this is the important bit - don’t make them drink it! You can’t blame them for making an effort to make the tea regardless of whether they wanted it; you just have to deal with them not drinking it. Just because you made it, doesn’t mean you are entitled to watch them drink it.

If they say, “No, thank you,” then don’t make them tea, at all.

Annoyed

Don’t make them tea, don’t make them drink tea, don’t get annoyed at them for not wanting it they just don’t want it. They might say; “Yes, please, that’s kind of you,” and then when the tea arrives they actually don’t want the tea at all. Sure, that’s kind of annoying as you’ve taken an effort of making the tea, but they remain under no obligation to drink it. 

They did want it but now they don’t. Sometimes people change their mind in the time it takes to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add milk. And it’s okay for people to change their mind, and you are still not entitled to watch them drink it even though you went to the trouble of making it.

If they are unconscious, don’t make them tea. Unconscious people don’t want tea and can’t answer the question, “Do you want tea?” because they are unconscious. Okay, maybe they were conscious when you asked them if they wanted tea, and they said yes, but in the time it took you to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add milk they are now unconscious.

You should just put the tea down, make sure the unconscious person is safe, and - this is the important bit - don’t make them drink it. If someone said yes to tea, started drinking it and then passed out before they’d finished it, don’t keep on pouring it down their throat. Take the tea away and make sure they are safe. 
If someone said ‘yes’ to tea when at your house last Saturday, that doesn’t mean they want you to make them tea all the time.

They don’t want you to come around unexpectedly to their place and make them tea and force them to drink it, saying ‘but you wanted tea last week’. This metaphor also works on children. Just replace tea with ice cream. Though I suppose that works for adults, too.

Nomsa

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