I AM TROUBLED

 
Sir,
 
I am troubled, daily tormented by what I have and am becoming, the joke I am quickly becoming. Doesn’t it bother you, what you are becoming?
I am troubled by the dreams I am having and cannot see through; I am troubled by the silence of the entire community of humans of what I am becoming.

The young lives I have exploited, the dreams I have shattered and the hands I have not met halfway. I am troubled by the stand I have not taken to save a life, to nurture another for a tomorrow, the time I have wasted lying and hating and imbibing my soul to vain thoughts and memories. I am troubled by the miles I have not recorded, the distances I have not covered.

The girls and boys I have exploited haunt my nights the days make no difference. The families I have destabilised mourn at my expense.
And the prayers I make make no sense. The trouble is by and by addictive. Once Paul said; “But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me,” and by all means I felt a little re-imbursed of all my troubles not because Paul and I must have been seeing and going through the same ‘entertainment’.

He must have been sitting at the darkest corner of his ‘office’ remembering just what he did last night. Damn conscience. And then, just as I am about to make ‘newer’ resolutions toasting to the New Year, I realise just how redundant and bogus the idea is. The other year I had just the same troubles, I lied prior to yesterday’s and tomorrow’s lies.

I cheated then and probably will tomorrow. I ate just as much fat as I sure will, and the trouble is bound to go on and on until such a time, I know not that time.
I am troubled, so much am.

All in all, there is this annoying thing we timeously do to ourselves. The troubles we attract without course. The people, the phony friends, the unnecessary intercourses and shameful relationships.

These are the things that make us laughably stupid. The jokes we tend to become yet we cannot help ourselves but become more and more a laughing stock. Since the times of Moses, we have been troubled. Then we made rules and laws to govern our troubles but we still transgress. Just the hope for a better year is in itself troubling.

Fifa Dlamini
Mpholi.

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