LEARNING EMPATHY IN THE PRESCHOOL YEARS

We all want our children to be caring, loving, individuals who have empathy for others.

Empathy is the skill of taking the perspective of others and thinking about it before acting. Children who have this skill are usually very aware of their own emotions and are aware that others experience the same emotions they do.

A child who is empathetic knows the appropriate response to an emotion, whether that emotion is seen by adults as positive (e.g. excited) or negative (e.g. angry). Empathetic responses are actions responding to caring feelings of another individual.
Before the preschool years, we know from observation and well-known developmentalists such as Jean Piaget and Erik Erikson that toddlers are primarily egocentric: “I want to go here now.” “This is mine.” This egocentricity is evident throughout even infancy because children are discovering themselves and are learning how to express their needs.

The primary use of emerging language skills is quite often to express need, so it’s no wonder toddlers are all about themselves.
The preschool years, however, mark the move from egocentricity to empathy – at least the potential for it anyway. Children become more helpful and caring during these years, although it can be a struggle. The child is still wondering whether to be egocentric or helpful to others in problem situations.

There are many reasons why we want our children to understand that empathy is important.   In particular, empathy is vital for children to form healthy, long-lasting, friendships. Healthy peer relationships give a child not only a sense of safety and security but a higher self-esteem. Also, a child who shows signs of empathy typically does well to prevent bullying throughout the school years.

Research also shows that if a child develops good empathy skills now, she’ll have better emotional regulation during her school years. One study even indicated that scores of young children on an empathy measure were positively correlated with scores on standardised tests of reading, spelling, and math at ages 10 and 11. As adults, we can promote empathy by (1) helping children to recognise their own feelings, and (2) helping children to recognise the feelings of others.  

Ask questions like ‘where in your body do you feel angry, sad or happy?’ Recognise and verbally label if they have clenched teeth, angry faces, big smiles, tears, open bodies or closed bodies: “You are smiling, this means you are happy.”
Then help them see the difference. “Now you are jumping up and down, so you’re excited. Earlier you were clenching your fists, when you were angry.” Then, provide children with opportunities to talk about their feelings. “When that coffee shop closed early, we couldn’t get our hot chocolate. That made me frustrated. How did that make you feel?”

Help children to recognise the feelings of others by observation. ‘Susie is frowning because she is upset’ or ‘Jason is running around outside because he is ecstatic.’ Use observations of both facial and body expressions. Even in story books, help children to recognise the emotions of the characters in the story.

Then, help children to develop appropriate problem-solving skills. Show them exactly how to solve problems.
As parents, we can do this by recognising the problem (‘she took the sweet out of your hand’). Discuss the choices available (I can get help from an adult, I can get more sweets, or I can ask for them back). Then talk about what the consequence of each choice is (If I ask for them back, she may say no). When they choose, ask them if it was a good choice or not and support positive instances of problem-solving whenever you see it.
Make sure that apologies are genuine.

Research and good evidence-based practice says that forcing apologies leads to shame and guilt instead of genuine remorse. Instead, promote the sharing of feelings. ‘He is very sad, I wonder what would help him feel better? What could we say or do? You could say you’re sorry or give him a hug. Maybe he wants a drink of water.

 Let’s ask him.’ This helps children understand that when others are hurt, or even when they are feeling happy, that it’s our actions which can have a positive effect. Finally, good empathy skills develop in healthy, warm, safe environments.
However, be sure to make rules and expectations clear. Be supportive but be consistent. This makes it easier for children to understand and follow rules. Most importantly, be a good role model for your child.

Children model adult behaviour, so reflect on what kind of emotional responses you want your child to have.
Research shows that parents who have positive responses to problem situations have children who develop positive behaviours during school years.
“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Bonnie Jean Wasmund.

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