Dear President Robert Mugabe

Howzit Bali? I was of the mind to wish you the very best of luck in the current elections. The Boys, somewhat cynically, say you don’t need it...I do not know what they mean.

You see, Bob, I’m one of your biggest fans and I know that our Cabinet and Parliament do all they can to be just like you.
Who can but admire a man who can single-handedly change a country from being the breadbasket of Southern Africa to a basket case?
That is a formidable achievement that our government is working at tirelessly, only we’re going from basket case, to hell-in-a-hand-basket!
I don’t know how the Zimbabwean people have allowed it.

These are people who rose up and fought a bitter war against minority rule. That takes guts. But when it comes to you - despite the fact that the economy is so bad that they need to stuff a small briefcase full of Zim Dollars to buy a roll of 1-ply toilet paper - instead of talking up arms, the Zimbabweans, about 4 million of them, fled to South Africa.

What is your secret? How did you convince them not to take the Gaddafi option?
It’s the moustache, isn’t it? Dude, you rock that Hitler moustache like you own it! Who is going to mess with a black man with a moustache like that? Not me and seven million Zimbabwean’s, that’s who! So big up’s to you.
It’s not all bad though. Everybody knows that Zimbabwe’s education system is one of the best in Africa (the South Africans are in the Stone Age, along with Haiti and America!).

They should be thanking you for the fact that South Africa, due to your excellent education initiatives and violent militias, now has the most highly-qualified hawkers, car guards and waiters in the world.
Only the other day I had a free consultation with a Zimbabwean psychologist selling cellphone car-chargers at an intersection. Big up’s again, dude!

On behalf of myself and my small (very small) core of the Tinkhundla International Support Group, we must also thank you for hogging the negative publicity and drawing attention away from Swaziland.
This is why you must win the election.

The last thing we need is that troublesome Vavi to turn his attention away from you, pull up his pants and start giving us drama.
And, please, continue throwing insults at anybody who dares criticise you. My favourite gem is you referring to British Prime Minister Tony Blair as ‘Tony B-Liar’.

I did think it was cruel to refer to Bishop Tutu as a “Wannabe Deputy Jesus”, though.
I like the way you dealt with the High Commissioner to Zimbabwe from South Africa, Lindiwe Zulu. But you could have been more imaginative; calling her a “stupid street woman” is just below the standard of your usual eloquence.

To me, though, one of your best qualities is how you handle the Press. I am told a British journalist once asked you whether, after thirty years in power, it was not time for you to say goodbye to the Zimbabwean people.Your answer: “Why? Where are they going?”

Well, I don’t want to keep you from your busy schedule, after all there are still a few functioning tobacco farms left and we can’t have that.
So, from me, on behalf of a grateful Nation; keep on keeping on. I don’t know where you are taking your country but we’re coming with you!
Cheers,
Acting Chairman – Mbabane Drinking Committee – Mvutjini Faction
 

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