POWER OF COUPLE FRIENDSHIPS

Last week we highlighted the importance of friendship between husband and wife in developing emotional and physical intimacy, without which marriage can be empty.

One cannot over emphasize the importance of friendship in marriage; some husbands and wives suffer from loneliness because they have not invested in developing their friendship. It is such a tragedy for either husband or wife to have confidants outside their union. If the husband is not comfortable to share certain issues with his wife, that is a sign that there is a disconnect between the two. Married spouses should be the best of friends and this is critical as they process life as husband and wife. Today, I wish to share some benefits of having other married couples as friends in your marriage.

Reignite

Couple friendships can be a pathway to reignite feelings of passionate love in romantic relationships that tend to fade over time. Couple friends lend a certain level of security and accountability and do not provoke anxiety like single friends might.  It is common practice in many parts of the world for individuals getting married to be discouraged to continue mingling with single friends after exchanging marriage vows. Hence the friends of those getting married find it necessary to organize bachelor and bachelorette parties to bid farewell to them as they crossover. The question is, does friendship cease to exist post marriage? We will be interrogating this question in the next couple of weeks.

Humans are social beings and thrive through interaction with other humans – this is an important fact to consider. These interactions help us develop friendships which are critical in processing life and also provide moral support. It is often said marriage is an isolator because of the emphasis placed on cutting off your friends post-marriage, especially single friends. This practice has deprived many of good friendships, some of which could have helped cushion them during stressful times in their marriage. I want to say couple friendships are better friendships, second to the friendship between the two married people.

Benefits

Having couple friends has many obvious and soft benefits such as planning and implementing family getaways together. This can sometimes be the only glue forcing you to spend time together with your spouse. I know of some married couples who really come alive in a group setting and are able to engage better in the company of friends. Married couple friendships are good because they eliminate, to a certain degree, the risk of infidelity among the friends cohort. I am careful to note that the risk is not totally eliminated, however, because they always present themselves as a pair and often establish stronger relations with the same sex than the opposite, the risk is minimized. Kathleen Holtz Deal co-author of Two Plus Two: Couples and Their Couple, says “when people see their partners interacting with other people, it appears to give them new perspective,” they see that other people like their partner as well.

When socializing people are happy, this can make them more appealing. That alone can make you to be more appreciative of your partner compared to the day-to-day of home life where you often do not have those opportunities to appreciate each other. The irony of this is that your attraction to your spouse tends to increase as s/he is successfully mingling within the group, especially when you feel that s/he makes effort to recognise your presence as well. Unfortunately, in some cases some spouses fly solo in these group settings and antagonize their partners in the process. My advice in such cases is that you engage your spouse and express how his/her behaviour makes you feel. This can be a good opportunity for him/her to show his/her love for you by altering such a behavior.

Couple friends can also serve as a barometer for your own relationship. Research done by Geoffrey Greif, sampling more than 400 men and women, found that couples could learn from other couples as models for behaviours they both liked and disliked. According to the research, hanging out with other couples often sparked reflection and discussion among couples about their own relationships, this included comments such as ‘Let’s never do that’, and ‘Wow, did you notice that when they started to disagree about something, they handled it this way’?

Mingling with other couples presents a learning opportunity by mere observation and direct engagements. The backdrop of this is that people are truthful and are not portraying a make-believe scenario. The truth is you can learn from the bad as much as you can learn from the good. Couples who have couple friends tend to better the way they relate with each other and establish a more fulfilling marital union. The mix of young and old couple friends enhances the lessons and experiences shared. Most important though, is the supportiveness of the group to each other and with such support, couple friendships can be a springboard for realizing your potential as a married couple. Friendship is a vital relationship to your well-being and your spouse must be your number one friend and all others follow. Your spouse must be your confidant; there must not be any issue you feel embarrassed or inapt to share with your spouse.    God Bless you! Please send comments to adminsec@mbac.co.sz      

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