THE FATHER FACTOR 2

FATHERING is one of those challenging tasks that men experience in the journey of life. It could sometimes get so frustrating due to different reasons. As fathers we have tried our best to be good men and great fathers.

Sometimes we have really done well, while at other times we have failed. Deep inside, all men want to be good fathers, but this responsibility can sometimes be so overwhelming because many of us come from dysfunctional families where fatherhood was never modelled before us, and no one really equipped us with knowledge on how to be a good father. Some of us know how to be good fathers, but our careers require extensive time away from home and take too much of our energy or preoccupy our thoughts when we finally get home. Sometimes as men, we fumble in the juggling act of marriage, career and fatherhood.

We all struggle with intense work schedules, pressures, lack of practical fathering skills or our own unhealthy habits and patterns in our personalities. These challenges should not cause us to default as fathers by becoming either absentee fathers or uninvolved in our children’s spiritual, mental, intellectual, emotional, physical and financial development.

Dr Armand Nicholi’s research on the impact of fathers found that an emotionally or physically absent father contributes to a child’s a) low motivation for achievement ; b) inability to defer immediate gratification for later rewards ; c) low self-esteem ; and d) susceptibility to group influence and to juvenile delinquency.

The father’s healthy relationship with his child has a huge impact on the child’s self-esteem, confidence, relationship with others and sense of purpose in life. This is not to imply that mothers are not significant in contributing to a child’s personhood. Actually mothers are always there for their children, always accessible, loving, communicative and accepting. Yet fathers are sometimes not generally accessible, involved or communicative.

May the words of this article challenge, encourage, motivate and inspire us to be better fathers, rather than just cause us to fall into the guilt-trip trap. We must look at fathering as a positive loving influence that is an important opportunity to invest our lives in the future generations, and the privilege of shaping the future society.

A father is a source, protector and sustainer. A good father is one you can run to for refuge and security. Fathers must be shields against the raging storms of all forms of abuse, violence, rape, domestic violence etc.  Therefore, as fathers we must not be rude, sarcastic or violent towards our families. We must be warm and friendly to our children and wives. Men must be gracious, compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. Fathers must be supportive to their families. Sometimes children go through rough times in life; a father must always be there to support his children when they go through turbulences of life.

When mistakes are made, a good father forgives. Love and forgiveness affirms. To affirm means to ‘validate or confirm’. Fathers are foundational in terms of function, but this should not be used as an excuse to exert oppressive control on our women and children. The oppressive attitude of some men towards women and children is actually a manifestation of ignorance about what a real man is. Becoming a good man or father is not automatic, especially when you grew up in a dysfunctional family set up or around a dysfunctional father. It usually takes a process of time and disciplined effort on our part to unlearn some things. We must be willing to invest our time and energy to learn how to function as fathers and real men.

As fathers, we must practice self control and self denial. We must learn to restrain ourselves from things that are detrimental to the quality of our fatherhood. Self discipline is key to being a good man and a great father. C. J Smith said, ‘ Discipline aims at the removal of bad habits and the substitution of good ones, especially those of order, regularity and obedience.’ To be self disciplined is to create a system of essential rules and duties around your life as a father or a man.

We must discipline our emotions, especially the emotion of anger. The amplified version of Proverbs 19:11 declares; Good sense makes a man restrain his anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression or an offense. Anger is the root of so many abuses of women and children.
When we fail to control the emotions of anger as men, we begin to do things that do not represent what a father or a real man is all about.

A disciplined life usually requires time, effort, determination and patience. All of us possess the potential to be good fathers and great men. We must be willing to put out the effort required to develop that potential in us. All of us will go through seasons of fear, frustration, failure and misunderstanding; but we should never give up on being good fathers and great men in society.

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