WHAT IF MARRIAGE IS A CAGE?

Sir,

Basically there are two types of wrestling rings. You have the square one with an open top with a pole on each corner with two ropes around it and the cage type, which is an enclosure. Normally in a wrestling match, in the open ring, one of the wrestlers can get a breather if the beating is too much or to re-strategise. Some even abandon the fight.

It is an enclosure and the only room for escape, the door, is locked until a winner emerges.
I have taken time to study marriages in modern times and see a correlation between people’s perception of marriage and wrestling rings.

Too many married people have the mentality of an open wrestling ring and that is one of the main reasons for the increasing rate of divorce. Samples: ‘wife files for divorce because husband is stingy’, ‘wife wants divorce because husband is insatiable’, ‘husband wants divorce, says his wife is troublesome’ - the list is endless and range from the trivial to the ridiculous, issues that a simple sensible dialogue between the couples can resolve.
For many couples, at the slightest storm (not even a tornado) they want to jump ship.

Commitment is evaporating from marriages rapidly.
There is no room for perseverance, patience, forgiveness, dialogue and understanding. The question to ask is, if their marriage were a cage, will these people’s perception and actions be the same or they will go an extra mile to ensure that their marriage succeed?

Again do these people know the rivers, valleys and mountains some of the successful and celebrated marriages had to overcome to get to their destination? Also I look at the efforts and sacrifices people put in to get to the pinnacles of their careers or build successful businesses, if half that effort was put into marriage, the story would be different.
For those who follow Christian marital vows to the letter, divorce and remarrying are not options.

For them, marriage is wrestling cage. Solutions must be found to challenges and problems. In other words, when you see marriage as a cage without escape and you must win, you will learn, imbibe and practise virtues that will turn that cage into a comfortable home.

You will learn to be patient with your spouse, knowing that God endowed you with capabilities. When there is a family decision to be taken, you will consult your spouse to reach a conclusion.
In situations where you want to have your way, you will carry your spouse along, to avoid problems. When you do have your way, always be magnanimous in victory. Do not rub it in.
 Few marriages will survive the ensuing acrimony.

There is nothing like, everything being important in married. In life, there are fundamental and there are trivial matters.
In marriage you must define those things that are important to you, those that go to the root of your core values, those you cannot easily shift ground on. Thereafter you take it easy on all other issues.
Also, know those things that are important to your spouse and learn to take them as important.

It solidifies marriage and indeed all relationships.
It can be very painful and annoying when your spouse trivialises what you consider sacred.
Mutual respect is key in marriage. Spouses must accord each other respect always. This respect should extend to the extended families.
In ending, always dialogue, dialogue, dialogue.

The phrase, ‘irreconcilable differences’, exists because most differences can be reconciled.
More often than not, it is not the differences that are irreconcilable but our egos and unforgiving spirit that are obstacles.
You will also get to meet the twins called tolerance and forgiveness. They are wonderful friends and companions.

They ate painkillers and they bring enormous relic. Forgiveness especially, is good for the heart; it cures bitterness and prolongs your life. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed not endured. Too many couples are enduring their marriages.
 Christians are of the Biblical view that marriage ought to be built on the solid rock, that solid boundary called Christ.
He is love, He is patient, kind, selfless, humble and not easily angered. That is Jesus, our mentor, our role model, the most importantly party in our marriages.

Colleen Matsebula

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