Times Of Swaziland: LESSONS OF ADOLESCENCE

LESSONS OF ADOLESCENCE
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Chris Morgan on 04/08/2022 08:02:00


The expression ‘been there, done that’ is undoubtedly present in whatever
language you choose, though not necessarily as abrupt and grammatically
incomplete as the English version, invariably chosen by the self-professed
hedonists.
The ‘there’ is not strictly geographical but identifies that the speaker was
once, or for a long time, in that space; seeing it all, and even doing it all;
whatever ‘it’ was. One very popular time-zone for the expression is the life
experience we know as adolescence. Every adult in the world can claim
entitlement to having ‘been there …’ But, ‘… done that’? Done what?
Not necessarily much, but I guarantee that every adult with a decent memory will
recall the many events of the few years of adolescence.
Portrayed
Adolescence is often portrayed as a period of struggle and friction, filled to
bursting with exhilarating ups and depressing downs. Young people’s behaviour
tends to be stereotyped as self-absorbed and impulsive. But how accurate is that
picture? Well, there is no one rule and no one outcome; we’re all different.
One thing is certain - you can’t put an old head on young shoulders. It’s
tempting to look back from middle age or later and wish that you’d gained the
wisdom without the mistakes of your adolescence, the missed opportunities, the
wasted hours and the lack of a productive attitude to life; precisely what too
often defines the period of adolescence. But wisdom is bigger than all that and
doesn’t come quickly and easily. Life is a journey. You gain wisdom through
undertaking that journey.
Adolescence is transition time; for both adolescents and their parents. It’s a
highly influential, indeed pivotal, period of life, when we, human beings,
change both physically and emotionally; but not necessarily easily and
productively. Focusing today on the emotional side, I’ll adapt a humorous
mantra to say; the three most common absences in adolescence are direction,
direction and direction.
Productive
If you remember it being, for you, a calm and thoroughly productive,
trouble-free, confusion-free series of teenage years, knowing precisely your
scale of values and the person you were going to be as an adult, then you either
had a remarkable adolescence or are gazing back through rose-coloured
spectacles. A clear sense of direction is usually the missing component in a
typical adolescence. You can write volumes on adolescence from the perspective
of the adolescent, the owner, of course, of the daily life in question. But also
of critical significance is the role that parents can play. If you have an
adolescent who demonstrates a hunger for knowledge and wisdom, respects and
shows concern for other people and the environment, who has a clear idea of the
future personal journey, gets down to homework without being nagged and tidies
the bedroom without being reminded, then you have a rather unusual teenager.
Because that combination is generally conspicuous by its absence.
What are the lessons of adolescence for parents? They should provide the
adolescent with love and a happy life within a well-defined framework of values
and principles. A safe and supportive background provided by parents is vital. A
parent’s ability to identify a growing sense of identity and responsibility in
the teenager is of crucial importance, acknowledging this transitional phase –
no longer a child and not yet an adult. Establishing the rules, then showing the
trust, tends to be far more productive than the other way round.
Circumstances
And having both parents as established residents in the family home is of
considerable importance. Where one or more are missing owing to circumstances
beyond control, that is very challenging for the adolescent, but one where the
liSwati extended family support kicks in. But where the absence of a father is
the result of careless sexual behaviour – a very common occurrence in many
countries, including Eswatini – the child is being needlessly placed in a
serious shortage of parental input, invariably made worse by a lack of financial
support.
You can’t do that in First World countries. You get a DNA-confirmed parentage
and a hefty child maintenance bill for the next 18 years. Makes you behave. And
in that child’s adolescence, with the father figure absent, an unreasonable
and unfair load of responsibility is placed on the mother. Horses for courses;
the father has a vital part to play in the adolescent’s journey. More ready
access to free or low-price DNA testing is needed. Then apply the law.
In the Kingdom of Eswatini, there is a predominant desire for peace, the
hallmark of this nation for so many years. There may not be universal agreement
on the political side of things but every reasonable person will want a peaceful
route to whatever will be the outcome of the dissent of recent times. To achieve
that, a huge amount depends on the level of emotional intelligence and maturity
in adults, especially young adults. And that, in turn, relies heavily on having
had a well-supported journey through adolescence.