Times Of Swaziland: REJECTION CAN TRULY MAKE YOU STRONGER

REJECTION CAN TRULY MAKE YOU STRONGER
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BY PRUDENCE  HLATSHWAYO on 13/09/2017 03:50:00


REJECTION is normal and we almost absolutely experience it each day, sometimes
without even detecting it. It can feel quite wounding, even overwhelming! For
most of us, confronting rejection is paired with an emotion or an experience
which is very agonising, such as a feeling of invalidation, low self-esteem,
entitlement, resentment, or frustration. The rejection itself may not only carry
the most discomfort.
Why? Ask yourself: besides the rejection, what else is going on in this precise
moment? Try not to analyse what or why, just try to name what you are
experiencing! It might give you a sense of understanding yourself and what
surrounds you at that exact time.
We frequently feel rejected when we ask for something, do something, say
something, or expected to do something etc. We end up feeling we have deposited
ourselves out there in an act of exposure however big or small. This means that
we may feel that what is being rejected is something very personal about
ourselves: it is not just my affection for you which is being rejected, it is me
and who I am which is being rejected as an individual. Logically, as part of
building intimate and important relationships we share with the other person who
we are, and it is in this vulnerable exposure when we feel we are facing
rejection.
We may eventually stop or avoid exposing ourselves as much as we would like to
in all spheres of our social life. Some get a little distrustful and or timid as
a result of rejection. This is when clients jump to become more closed off in an
attempt to experience self-security.
When it comes to parenting, rejection reruns: Most parents really do not know
any better. Having never been supported, encouraged or hugged themselves by
their own parents, they are clueless about how to show love to their children.
The experience of being rejected, ignored or perhaps actively abused can be
repeated as the only style of parenting they identify with.
They learn to live and repeat the very parenting behaviour that gave them such
agony. Whether intentional or not, the effect on a child who is rejected by a
caregiver, one parent or both can be long lasting and devastating. The result is
often low self-esteem, chronic self-doubt, and depression. Often the impact
lasts well into adulthood. As one of my clients said through his tears; “How
can I expect anyone else to ever love me if even my own parents do not?”
Furthermore, family secrets are common basis for rejection. A rejected child may
have been fathered by someone other than the mother’s husband. The child’s
very existence is a daily reminder of an affair or relationship gone wrong, or a
rape case. In such cases, the couple agreed to parent the child and to act as if
the husband is the biological father.
Despite their good intentions, they find they cannot reverse the past or forgive
the child for being born. Rather than deal with their own feelings of regret,
guilt, or anger, they take it out on the bewildered innocent child. Parents who
believed they were forced into a marriage that they neither wanted due to the
pregnancy may also visit their unhappiness on their panicky child.
Many push back their anniversary date and live a lie due to various reasons like
religion, economics, or family pressure; they certainly do not see divorce as an
option. Some couples stay together but they blame the child for trapping them
into a ‘loveless’ marriage.
In some cases, one or both of the parents feels such shame for the premarital
sex or affair that produced the child, that they cannot bring themselves to love
him at all. Thus, there is need to treat psychological wounds rejection inflicts
on a person. One needs to count his or her meaningful life qualities and take
responsibility over his or her own life. Prescribe zero tolerance for
self-criticism and revive your self-worth. Remind yourself that you are
appreciated somewhere else and boost that social connection you have let go or
try new associations. Say NO to damaging your self-esteem any further.