TRUST AND FINANCES

 ONE of the elements we touched on last week regarding trust was that trust is an assured reliance on the character. And one of the areas where character is tested is in finances. Hence the saying money changes people.

I believe money does not change an individual, however, it tends to reveal the hidden you. Most of us often assume an inferior demeanor when we do not have money, while the real us is revealed when we have money, particularly when we have lots of it.

The reality is that the lack or abundance of money can be a source of disagreements in marriages. And often times, this stems from the handling or mishandling of money and the source of it. This is where trust becomes such an imperative virtue to have as a couple. Your wife could be making more money than you or vice versa and that can easily create tension in the home on how to use it.

Let me remind you that marriage is a joint partnership and when it comes to money there should be no ‘I’ but ‘we’ and ‘us’, not ‘mine’ but ‘ours’. The moment the marriage officer declares you as one, you cease to be two entities and any wealth you accumulate should be for the equal benefit of both spouses. Earning more than your spouse does not give you the right to boss him or her or dictate how monetary resources should be spent.

It is said couples in healthy marriages talk about money more than those in an ‘okay’ or crisis state. Research shows that money is the number one issue married couples fight about and is the second leading cause of divorces, preceded by infidelity. Not talking and planning about money can lay the groundwork for a crisis in your marriage. Couples should refrain from keeping secrets regarding their finances; each spouse must know how much the other earns and all other sources of income.

This may seem trivial, particularly to a liSwati husband, but can help avoid conflict in the future. Talking about and disclosing your financial status as a couple, does not only build trust between the two of you, but it also helps manage expectations. Your wife/husband will not expect more from you than the financial capabilities that s/he knows, unless s/he is suspecting that you are hiding something from them. Discussing your finances will enable you to adjust your lifestyle, and that lifestyle needs to be in line with what your actual income is, not what you wish it was.

One of the tools couples can use in dealing with finances, that will also reinforce trust between the two, is setting financial goals and committing to those goals. This can be done by planning and budgeting your finances together. Bearing in mind that the backdrop of any successful marriage is honesty and truthfulness, so should be the case with finances. The process of budgeting and implementing that plan will force both spouses to disclose their sources of income. And this is just the beginning or perhaps the easier part, the difficult part is implementing and keeping within the confines of the budget.

Most financial problems for married couples emanate from spending patterns and often erode trust between husband and wife. If one spouse is in the tendency of constantly spending outside budgetary confines, with or without the consent of the other spouse, it can, over time, compromise trust. One of you might be a saver, while the other more inclined to spending, however, it is important that both try to keep within the set budget, because failure to do so has a potential of causing a rift between the couple.

I know that at times only one partner has keen interest in figures and the other is rather passive. My advice to the financial gurus for the home is that you should not keep the money details all to yourself, inform your spouse so s/he can appreciate the prevailing financial status.  And to the other spouse who is not that keen on figures, do not just nod your head and say ‘that looks great honey’ even if you have no clue what is going on. Give honest feedback, ask, critic and encourage. You are both in the same team, so use your unique personality differences to formulate a stronger team.

Being open towards each other in the area of finances will definitely disallow money to have a controlling foothold in your marriage and instead reinforce trust. Believe me, if not carefully managed, money can cause conflict and erode trust in your marriage. And this I mention, because far too many spouses have investments, policies, secret properties, bank accounts, credit cards and debts that the other spouse is oblivious of.

All may seem calm before your spouse finds out, but I can promise you that once s/he finds out, that relationship will be put to the test and trust will be compromised. My advice to you is that you disclose all financial dealings to your partner, apologise for your missteps and work hard to regain the trust of your spouse. Recommit to your shared financial goals and remember you are in this together!   
God Bless you! Please send comments to adminsec@mbac.co.sz        

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