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TRUST VITAL, FRAGILE IN MARRIAGE

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Last week we introduced trust as a robust foundation to build strong marriages or any relationship for that matter.

We further highlighted that couples who trust each other are able to foster understanding in almost all areas of their lives and inevitably live in harmony with each other. Today, I want us to begin a journey of exploring this vital ingredient and unpack practical ways of building and restoring trust in a relationship.  For purposes of this article, allow me to give two definitions of trust that will inform and provide guidance.

Firstly, the Merriam Webster Dictionary defines trust as an assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something. I particularly like the definition given by the Cambridge Dictionary, which states that trust is to believe that someone is good and honest and will not harm you, or that something is safe and reliable. The implication thereof is, if you trust someone, it means that you think they are reliable; you have confidence in them, and you feel safe with them physically and emotionally. From these definitions it is clear that in the absence of trust, doubt, insecurity and fear set in.

Relationships and marriages which are void of trust undoubtedly will not grow and progress to a stronger connection. Unfortunately for our instant generation, building trust takes a lot of effort and time from both parties in that relationship, yet it is so easy to lose. In our world today, we have husbands who do not trust their wives and vice-versa. And this may be caused by many factors including not prioritizing and investing enough time to build trust between the two; yet still in other instances there has been misdemeanor by one spouse which has impeded trust. Whatever the case, married couples must put in time and effort to build and restore trust because everything in a relationship stems out of trust.

Trust brings about a sense of confidence in the home; couples who trust each other have no problem when one has to travel for extended periods away from home. I know of many who feel compelled to hire private investigators to tail the going or remaining spouse when they are away, simply because there is no trust. My question is, are you comfortable when you are apart, or you feel the need to pry and find out what your spouse is doing and with who? If you do that, you might be having trust issues in your relationship. Couples who trust each other have no problem sharing bank account details; I know this is an itchy issue especially for men, as those without trust are paranoid that if she knows my financial situation she might leave me if she discovers that I am broke or bankrupt, or she might kill me if she discovers that I have a lot of money.

Is your spouse privy to the monies that you make in business or your workplace? Or you feel the need to conceal; if that is so, you might be having trust issues in your marriage. Couples who trust each other have no problem in the inter-usage of mobile phones, another problematic area for many married couples who do not trust each other. Some even go to the extent of concealing passwords and disguising contact details with false names just to restrict spouses’ access to mobile phones. While privacy is essential, it must not mean complete shutting out your significant other. If your mobile phone is protected like a precious stone or jewellery and you probably cringe when your spouse lays his/her hands on it, then you might be having trust issues.

On the flip side, you shouldn’t be going through your spouse’s phone, it is juvenile and devious. All these areas tend to be a challenge to couples that do not trust each other and rob the married couple of harmony, ‘two hearts beating as one’. And inevitably bring instability and insecurity in the home, hence slowing down any growth and progress. I pray that you would prioritize trust in your relationship and not take your spouse for granted.  Another element of trust from the definition that I want to bring up is the sense of safety, both physically and emotionally. Couples who trust each other often feel safe and comfortable to be vulnerable to each other and it is in that state of vulnerability that trust is reinforced. Trusting your spouse with your emotional feelings and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to him/her is perhaps one of the highest levels of trust.

Naturally, emotionally opening up to someone takes a while and, in a relationship, it is evidence of the trust between the parties. Openness and vulnerability in conversation and the willingness to really expose your heart and share what you’re thinking, even if it puts you at risk for ridicule and being criticized, is the epitome of trust in a relationship. This level of trust absolves stresses and anxieties in the relationship and spouses can rely on each other for emotional support. Next week I will share things that can break trust. With time and space permitting, I will also touch on practical ways of building and rebuilding trust in a marriage. God Bless you! Please send comments to adminsec@mbac.co.sz      

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