SIGNIFICANCE OF PARENTING 2

PARENTING is usually not a subject we are taught at school, and yet as parents we find ourselves thrust into what is probably the most important responsibility and task that usually takes us into the world of unexpected changes, unpredictability and of perpetual learning.

The journey of parenting is full of great highs and lows, indescribable joys and love, and sometimes challenges that could cause worry, anger or uncertainty. As much as we love our children and want the best for them, sometimes the factors involved in parenting can be so overwhelming because of our own issues as parents: pressures of life, marital challenges, financial or health problems.

We are living in a world that’s constantly changing. The challenges faced by today’s young people are complex. The influence of the electronic revolution and material age bring with it dimensions that some of us parents never had to worry about during our time of growing up.

It is helpful to know that as a child begins to grow up, he or she may seem to withdraw emotionally from you. This is a normal process because the child maybe going through a process of self discovery and building up his or her value system. At this stage it will seem like they are testing and challenging your world.

As parents we must then learn how to manage our feelings, worries and fears about the child because the child may interpret them as being over restrictive, lack of understanding how they feel, that you don’t trust him or her, and that they have no voice at all in the family. It is therefore imperative for us parents to begin to cultivate the habit of listening to our children’s opinions and views. You may not agree with them, but when you give them consideration and respect, it makes them feel worthy.

Izzabela Little in her wonderful book, “Life Talk for Parents” gives great and helpful tips on communicating with teenagers:
l Listen, listen, listen. Be curious about your children, and try to understand what they are trying to communicate. Question to understand and not to intrude or interrogate.

* Be positive and encouraging.
* Do not give your opinion too directly or dogmatically.
* Be sensitive to the child’s mood. If they are tired and irritable, don’t bombard them with questions.
* Try not to criticise and nag, as this can be damaging to the relationship. Always look on what is good and build on it.
* Give the child space. Sometimes children do not feel like talking and they also have the right to privacy.
* Remind and ask the child, and not just ask. For example, ‘please remember to clean the yard.’
*Put clear consequences in place, as in, ‘If you do not come home by 12, you will not be allowed to go out next weekend.’
* Focus on building the relationship rather than giving advice.
* Try to be available when needed.

As parents we must invest time, energy, love, and any other available resources to connect with our children, because the rewards are worth it.

There are different styles, types or forms of parenting: authoritarian, permissive or democratic. As a matter of fact we need wisdom and balance in parenting. Authoritarian type of parenting may not give children the space to grow, to make mistakes and learn from them. It may also set the stage for rebellion to surface.

Permissive parenting leaves children with no values, ethics, morals and boundaries. Boundaries protect children. Every family must have a few non-negotiable rules in order to protect the children. There has to be consequences to unacceptable actions or behaviour. Children should be disciplined with dignity.

We must never shame or humiliate our children. It is a shame and unacceptable for a parent to beat his child to death, no matter what they have done. Democratic parenting is a balanced approach to parenting that gives children boundaries, respect, security, love and responsibility. This style of parenting allows children to make mistakes and helps them learn from them.

Democratic parenting grants children personal dignity and creates an environment for listening, negotiating, brainstorming ideas, and respect. It allows you as a parent to say sorry when you make a mistake without the fear of losing respect.

Let me conclude with the words of Thomas Burkhalter, “Try to be conscious about how you parent, and in so doing, try to think about how you where parented.

Your parenting style will be related to your own experiences of being raised by your own parents, usually resulting in the mix of either: mimicking what was familiar; doing what you wished for yourself; avoiding what you disliked; compensating for what you went through; or a combination of the above.

This is what we do unconsciously, without necessarily considering the merits of our choices. We also need to keep in mind that we can rationalise and justify most things that we feel unconsciously, and that we are drawn to the familiar; hence the root of the word ‘family.’ 

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