SPEAK OUT AGAINST VIOLENCE - KHOSI

Silence has routinely masked the crime of violence against women, more so in African societies. The past week, through news and social media we have seen how a lot of women have fallen victim to violence of which some end up being killed by their trusted partners.

There is hope, however, for the girl child as African women are beginning to speak out and joining their global sisters to say ‘enough is enough’. 
Three years ago People Opposing Women Abuse (POWA) conducted a social experiment in a townhouse complex in Johannesburg, South Africa, aptly titled ‘The Neighbours’.

On the first night of the experiment, recorded with hidden cameras, a man could be seen playing drums very loudly. His angry  neighbours did not waste any time – or breath – in venting their chagrin on his doorstep.
The recording then goes on to show the same man on a different night, this time loudly playing a pre-recorded incident of domestic violence in which the terrifying screams of a woman being abused are blared out through his loud speakers for all his neighbours to hear.

But this time around, no one knocks on the door, nor calls the police. The shocking clip ends with the message: “Every year 1 400 women are killed by their partners.” Known to be the best Make-up Artist (MUA) to ever come out of Swaziland, Khosi Shabalala speaks to Gcwala on the topic of violence on women.

For those that only get to hear about you being the best and highly recommended MUA in the country, please tell us about who Khosi is, without the society given title?
Oh hey now! You are far too kind! Well for the most part I am just a girl who is lucky enough to be living her dream every day.  I am a mother, daughter, sister and friend but most of all I am a girl like any other with shortcomings and fears. I was blessed enough to be able to find my passion and  since then I haven’t worked a single day. I am a vocal, free spirited town girl who just wants to leave a great legacy behind.

Please tell us about your profession and how it has created a relationship with other women?
To be honest my job puts me in contact with a lot of women and I feed off of how they feel after I am done with my job. The downside to it is that it comes with a lot of criticism, some of which people assume you are either an airhead who couldn’t get into a proper college or that you are fake and have no substance. I am judged a lot based on my physical appearance and sometimes I get to interact with my barbies (I don’t refer to them as clients) even beyond our appointments but more often than not our interactions don’t go beyond the appointment.

What I love though is that women are beginning to take care of their wants and needs which feeds directly into their self-esteem and feelings of self-worth by whatever means possible. My work makes them feel confident and beautiful which is how we should feel about ourselves regardless and that makes it all worthwhile. I always joke and say I will save the world one brow at a time…Look at me now. 

Have you come across any situation where you had to apply makeup on someone’s face who wanted to cover up scars that are a result of violence?

If it was the case I didn’t know and quite frankly I think my heart would have broken at the thought of it. Although that said, sometimes its emotional scars that we are covering up and healing. Building self-esteem and having a healthy attitude towards self-awareness and self-love are also a form of covering up and healing internal scars.

How did you deal with that situation? If you were to face it how would you deal with it?
To be honest I really don’t know how I would deal with it. I am generally a very expressive person and I have been known to wear my heart on my sleeve, I wouldn’t be able to hide my sadness and every reaction is unique to the individual with whom you are dealing but empathy is important in every situation. Mine is not to judge but in that moment I could be the sister they need if they wanted to talk and this doesn’t mean I would have all the answers. Sometimes all someone needs is to talk to someone else or alternatively to draw strength quietly from another women because not all of us can speak about our traumas and that’s okay.

Obviously, being a voice to many, especially on social media on the issue of women violence and the man are trash issue, how has it been being with your male friends and how do they view the whole concept of you fighting for women’s rights?

This is exhausting to say the least, as a woman having to explain why I feel that society protects them and not me and having to explain and justify and validate myself… Tjo it’s been hard but who better to fight for women than women? For the most part they have been supportive but generally it is after I have had to assuage some feelings and explain in detail what exactly my motives are and to what end. Which kind of defeats the whole purpose as to why I must explain why I need to feel safe and why I feel I need to create safe spaces for our women and children? It’s a long road ahead and surely it will leave us all weary. However, sitting and doing nothing is not an option.

Have you ever experienced violence? How did you deal with it and what lessons have you learnt from that ordeal and how did you move on from it?

Sadly I have…more times than I care to count but there have been a few incidents where it was directly from persons who were in my circle of trust. Sadly more often this is generally the case. The truth is that I am still healing; it’s kind of hard to heal when there are daily setbacks and things that trigger you and take you back to places you would sooner never revisit. One thing that has helped me personally is having safe spaces of sisterhood that allow me to heal in my own way and my own time. Spaces where I am allowed to be and I don’t have to justify myself. Safe spaces are important for any healing process and I cannot emphasise this enough. What I have learned is that actions speak louder than words; people say a lot with their mouths…..pay attention to actions they will never lie to you.

With all the misconceptions and misunderstandings on the topic of men being trash what is your view?
What I can say is that the debate over the hashtag has brought about a much needed conversation. We will rarely be aligned when it comes to labels and strong messages that are needed to facilitate change. However, we cannot be overly distracted with validating feelings when women and children are dying daily. A strong message needed to be sent out and it needed to be brutal in its honesty. I do know that patriarchy is the root cause of all this mess and when you speak from a position of ‘privilege’ it is very easy to tell someone else that they are saying or doing the wrong thing but sometimes the end justifies the means. Men also need to be careful not to silence women who are simply asking to be safe and for everyone to be concerned with that safety. Whether we admit it or not silence is the biggest tool for violence to persist and by extension for patriarchy to persist. The thing is patriarchy is detrimental to all of us even as it benefits our male counterparts it continues to reinforce problematic stereotypes such as hyper masculinity which not all of them pause long enough to interrogate. We need to reassess our value of life and take it from there. The fact is we have a real problem on our hands and we can no longer ignore the urgency and priority that this topic needs to be given.

What is your biggest weakness? And how have you tried to improve it?
My biggest weakness is I am very sensitive. I am sensitive about everything! I am easily hurt and often end up questioning myself in ways that can quickly become self-destructive. Was it me? Could I have made them see me differently? Can I change their opinion? My way of overcoming this is limiting the people that I have in my circle and coming round to the reality that not everybody is for you. No matter how good you are there are those that will never buy what you are selling no matter how beautifully wrapped it is and you know what? It’s quite ok please LOL

Personally, how would you define domestic violence?
Domestic violence for me is any and all types of aggressive behaviour that make a spouse or partner feels unsafe. It comes in many forms; it can be verbal, emotional and physical. The domestic part of it limits it to home based behaviour though so typically I am thinking of a family type situation or any other situation where you can be silenced to keep the front of a happy home or relationship.

Some women endure the violence because they claim they feel ‘loved’ by the person who beats them up. What is your take on this?
The dynamics surrounding why a person stays in an abusive relationship are delicate and need to be navigated with care. There are so many things that all join to make one big problem. Part of it, I feel, is that a person is never abusive on the first date or even the first few months of a relationship. It happens so gradually that by the time you realise what’s going on a person may be in so deep they find it hard to leave. Perhaps the belief that the person can or will change is another factor, because a person hangs onto the memory of what the person was at the beginning and simultaneously stuck with what they have become. It is hard to reconcile the two and we are typically conditioned to look for the good in people and most especially in those we love and who claim to love us back. It’s a psychological quagmire which takes years of therapy to undo and certainly we may never fully understand what keeps a person in a toxic relationship and we shouldn’t judge such situations too harshly, people are wont to do that and it causes more harm than good. What I have learned is that maintaining a lifeline is always important if you know someone who is facing such a situation. Keep the judgement low and lines of communication open…safe spaces! I cannot reiterate this enough.

Still on the topic of gender based violence, what advice would you give to fellow women who are prone to such?
How does one become ‘prone’ … that’s a bit of a tough one to answer because given that statistically women and children are more likely to face violent situations it would be a case of putting everyone under that umbrella. My thoughts are don’t cut off your loved ones, maintain relations and safe spaces, open lines of communication and above all know that you did not bring this situation on yourself. Nobody has a right to say when you should or should not have left, however, it’s important to have somewhere to go always. Speak up, it is neither your fault nor did you go looking for it. The feelings of shame and guilt should not deter you from speaking up. This is why sisterhood is so important to me because it’s a place where I am loved despite my brokenness, it is where I find validation and imperfect humans that don’t necessarily have all the answers but guess what? They have time for me and my daily struggles and my tears and sometimes that’s all the strength you need!!! Strength can be found in the time a person has to just listen…..

Please tell us more about the Lipstick Movement that has been a hashtag going about facebook? Who started it, what it’s about, what it does to bring change in community?
A friend sent me the message via WhatsApp and I decided to share it on my facebook. And I am honestly so in my feelings over the response. Lipstick probably won’t make much of a difference but look at how sisters are uniting to fight for a common cause? Our very survival and I am screaming YES to all of it. I have to decide to fight this battle in my own way by concentrating on the way we relate to each other as women and strengthening our sisterhood we are better equipped for the battle we have ahead of us. That is where I am choosing to start. Together we can but if we are divided in our cause then we are all over the place. Sisters let’s love each other enough and be the change we want to see. The road is long and need all our wits about us to come out alive on the other side.
l     Pictures: Shaka Makhanya photography
l     Models: Khosi Shabalala     and Menzi Makhanya
l     Make up: Setsabile Tsela

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