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IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT SIS

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We are now in the sixth year of the existence of this column and for probably five of these years this space has been used mostly to speak out unapologetically about the rates of gender based violence in Swaziland.


This has not always been met with understanding from readers, most in fact have attacked my feminism and in their rage they conflate my feminism with my requirement to a life of peace. Demanding that GBV should be treated like the scourge that it is, is indeed a feminist issue but it is also an issue that speaks to basic human decency. It makes one wonder kutsi lobulwane sibufundzephi.


Years ago there was a story in the Times of Swaziland of a man who set a woman alight in Mbabane because she ended their relationship.


So scorned was he that he lay in wait for her before dousing her with gasoline or whatever flammable liquid and setting her alight.
Her grave sin was choosing to walk away from him. Five years ago in Phuzumoya a woman was beaten and paraded naked by her boyfriend who was carrying a knobkerrie and a bush knife.


She was stripped because he told her his money had been used to purchase all her clothes.
He also forced her to lie on the ground so he could inspect whether she had engaged in sexual intercourse while he was away at work.
He also cut her braids off with the bush knife because he believed they were what made her attractive to other men.


Abusers escalate in their behaviour, they groom their victims by making them feel and believe that they deserve the abuse they receive.
This is to provide context to the people who always rush to say ‘why doesn’t she just leave’ or ‘it’s better to walk away’.


It’s all well and good to say it but unless you have loved someone who consistently and deliberately causes you harm you can’t know how empty those words of advice are, and even if you haven’t been in a relationship like that you can’t appreciate how tricky it is to extricate yourself from a relationship that inspires love and mortal fear in you.


Speaking of ‘just walking away’ this week on Twitter there was a story about a young woman who ended her relationship with her boyfriend because his behaviour made her uncomfortable. The man proceeded to stalk her online and in person.
Twelve days after she ended the relationship he showed up at her gym and set up next to her.

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